I'm at a loss for direction right now. I don't normally post things that are super personal, mostly because this is a journal of our family and the good/bad/funny times or raising our family. I just have to get this out. I do not envy my husband - he works his tail off for us, to provide for us, to give us a comfortable life. It comes with a high price tag. Sure he's compensated nicely in the monetary means, but his has given up so much of us, that I'm not sure he knows how to do anything but work and work he does well. I've always known he was a hard worked and dedicated, this is what attracted me to him. I do not envy any other individual who has to go to work day in and day out. I love staying home, not always easy, we have our battles, and our melt downs. I can fix those. The one thing I can't fix aside from cars, heaters, and plumbing, is my husband's work. I can't take that from him, I can't make him come home early - even though there are days I just want him to be home - to see the chaos that homework is after school, running from this place to the next, fixing dinner (that's only once in a blue moon), cleaning, laundry, dinner, scriptures, family prayer (both lacking because we just can't stay awake any longer and we're all so dang tired....mostly me)
I wish I had a clear cut answer (and maybe I do, I just can't see it yet or I'm still not sure I believe it's the right path), but I want him to go to work loving what he does, the people, the place, the actual work he does - to enjoy it or at least more days than not. That he could just tell someone and they would listen that the work he does would get done faster with more than just him, that his family is numero uno (#1) ;) and he can't keep spending his life fading away into the computer screen and another excel spreadsheet.
I feel like we're here:
(source)
that until we can get to the door, we're going to follow the light (even if it's night light) until we've reached the door and we're going to be grateful in the hallway, we'll make the best of the time we do spend together even if it's just 20-30 minutes at night. We have Saturdays and Sundays to keep as family days/nights. It could be much worse. We're healthy, we have amazing family and friends. We've been through unemployment - twice, but we've made it through better than we entered. That's what I keep thinking is behind that door is something better than where we are and if that's true, then it's going to be GREAT! because we're not doing so terrible now. ;)
Maybe we're where God needs us instead of where we want us to be. I feel that's why we're in the house we're in - the ward we now belong too, to gain new opportunities, scary as they may be, to push us, upward and closer to God. To value what we have instead of focusing on what we don't have.
I might just be rambling, and that's okay. Maybe I'm not looking for guidance so much as an affirmation we're on the right path or that we need to re-direct and get back on course. I love my husband, he's pretty amazing - doesn't give himself the credit he deserves and while he works a lot and may feel the kids don't appreciate him, he's extremely loved. So much so I try to keep them off for a few minutes so he can have a brief one-on-one time with each child before they drift off to sleep. He does get them all riled up, but they love it because they love him. I love him. God loves him. My only wish for him is that he finds work that makes him happy and where he feels important - maybe not as important as the kids show him, but a little thanks goes a long way. ;)
Ironic (not really, just had to work it all out of my mind), I typed this up, only to realize what I've known all along. I need to read more with my kids, scriptures, books, pray together morning and night and with Jeff, the answers will come - probably later than sooner, but the answers will come. He is waiting to bless us and answer our prayers. No matter what your question or trial is, the answer is a 'folded' arms length away. (haha)
Mo
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