We Don't Say NO
My sister Tanya and I have talked about this one quite a few times. I think we had the same professor in college who taught this concept. I never forgot his lecture and rarely use the word "no" with my family. Well, over the weekend a mom approached me after watching me with the little girls and I got into this conversation with her and thought I would share the concept.
"No" is overly used in our society. It is a negative word and brings immediate reproach to it. We hear this one word WAYYY more than any other word in our vocabulary. When our children ask a question to which we quickly reply NO, they then whine and ask WHY not? Shouldn't we just start out with the reasoning since we are going to have to give it in the end. If we start out with the reason, we are on a positive note and aren't immediately negative.
Let me explain with a few examples.
*At a store, and one of the kids are crying for a toy. Instead of the no, No, NO with a scene ensuing, I usually say, "Oh that does look fun maybe we can get that for your birthday". That puts a smile on their face thinking of getting it in the future and gives me an idea of what they are into and liking.
*Just ate breakfast, "Mom can I have a cookie?" Instead of a NO with a fight I just tell them WHEN they can have a cookie. "We just had breakfast. Let's save those for dessert at lunchtime." Immediately it's positive because they are going to get a cookie at some point and don't need to put up a fight to the "No" word.
* They want a friend to come over. Instead of NO not today, just do the reason why, without the No. "We have soccer practice today and will be really busy can we do it ...." or just whatever your reason of saying no is.
*Say they want to do something that is dangerous or not a good idea to do. Once again as soon as you say no, they become very defensive. So instead of starting out telling them no, I start out by giving them my reasoning of why I feel they shouldn't do it. "We shouldn't do that because (whatever could happen or whatever the danger is) If I am just quick to say NO NO we don't do that, they will never really understand why they shouldn't, because they weren't given an explanation.
Just by alleviating the immediate negative "NO" you can communicate your view and feelings without putting someone on the defense immediately. I'm really not explaining this as well as my professor, but I hope you get the picture. And by no means am I trying to stand on a soapbox, it just really has worked wonders here for us over the years, and by all the feedback and comments from others watching I think it must work.
SO, don't start out with NO or even use the word, just use your reasoning why you WOULD say no.
From her next post: First off a disclaimer I am definitely a yeller/freak outer. If I always spoke calmly with my kids they would never know when I'm REALLY upset at what they did. So even with all the communication stuff I definitely DO yell!
"No" is overly used in our society. It is a negative word and brings immediate reproach to it. We hear this one word WAYYY more than any other word in our vocabulary. When our children ask a question to which we quickly reply NO, they then whine and ask WHY not? Shouldn't we just start out with the reasoning since we are going to have to give it in the end. If we start out with the reason, we are on a positive note and aren't immediately negative.
Let me explain with a few examples.
*At a store, and one of the kids are crying for a toy. Instead of the no, No, NO with a scene ensuing, I usually say, "Oh that does look fun maybe we can get that for your birthday". That puts a smile on their face thinking of getting it in the future and gives me an idea of what they are into and liking.
*Just ate breakfast, "Mom can I have a cookie?" Instead of a NO with a fight I just tell them WHEN they can have a cookie. "We just had breakfast. Let's save those for dessert at lunchtime." Immediately it's positive because they are going to get a cookie at some point and don't need to put up a fight to the "No" word.
* They want a friend to come over. Instead of NO not today, just do the reason why, without the No. "We have soccer practice today and will be really busy can we do it ...." or just whatever your reason of saying no is.
*Say they want to do something that is dangerous or not a good idea to do. Once again as soon as you say no, they become very defensive. So instead of starting out telling them no, I start out by giving them my reasoning of why I feel they shouldn't do it. "We shouldn't do that because (whatever could happen or whatever the danger is) If I am just quick to say NO NO we don't do that, they will never really understand why they shouldn't, because they weren't given an explanation.
Just by alleviating the immediate negative "NO" you can communicate your view and feelings without putting someone on the defense immediately. I'm really not explaining this as well as my professor, but I hope you get the picture. And by no means am I trying to stand on a soapbox, it just really has worked wonders here for us over the years, and by all the feedback and comments from others watching I think it must work.
SO, don't start out with NO or even use the word, just use your reasoning why you WOULD say no.
From her next post: First off a disclaimer I am definitely a yeller/freak outer. If I always spoke calmly with my kids they would never know when I'm REALLY upset at what they did. So even with all the communication stuff I definitely DO yell!
