worries, stress, and prayers.............answers

Yesterday I was a lot worried for my oldest daughter. She's 9 - she's sweet, naive, innocent, and susceptible to bouts of rage and pouting. In her little world all she wants is to be accepted - to have a friends and to hopefully survive the 4th grade with as few paper cuts as possible and still have time to play. 

We signed her up for Girls on the Run - a program that helps girls have a positive body image and attitude towards exercise. I wasn't sure what my expectation was for her. I thought it was to make friends because it seemed to me she didn't have anyone close to be her friend. Say what you like - you want a lot of friends or only a select few good friends, we all need that one friend we can count on to be there for us. I've had several of those over the years since kindergarten or nursery probably. Those friends who pull you out of your comfort zone, push you to be better, and make you want to be a better person. There are also those friends who used to fit that profile, but for whatever reasons have chosen a different path and no longer can you be the kind of friends who stick together through thick and thin. I don't have any of those that I can think of, but I know Jeff does. Hard to let go of 'friends' when they bring you down. And of course the friends/family you haven't seen in years and you pick up as if you just saw each other yesterday - those fit the first mold. 

So this program - Lea was having a good time, she didn't seem to run with anyone, but she ran and was enjoying the exercise. She chose this program over the 4th grade trip to the Grand Canyon - wise choice, glad she made it. (we merely informed her of the details of each program, then she chose GOTR). Last night Jeff was talking about how she mainly stayed by him at the 5k they ran last week for the finale of GOTR. She talked to some girls, but they weren't genuinely interested (in his opinion) to chat it up with her. He was obviously defensive of her as he felt some of the girls weren't as nice as they could be to his daughter.

I spent some time with her last night doing homework while the rest of the kids were asleep - normally I'd be bugged she hadn't finished yet, but we spend some good one-on-one time discussing the great French and English Explorers. :) I just really can't believe she's 9 - almost 10. 10. When did that happen? I can't even remember when she was a toddler like Mo. She's just always been older, more grown up.

 

How did we get from here in '03

 to spending her first birthday back in the hospital, a baby with barely any hair

to this cute little girl with the curly hair and lots of it - I loved fixing her hair in all different styles - she was a willing participant most of the time.

 to this: a 4th grader!!

 okay back to my original quest for peace of mind that she is as truly happy as she seems in the photos.

I came home from playing Thursday night volleyball and went in to check on her - sound asleep, not a care in the world while I felt quite literally weighed down for her. I wanted to go back in time to when she was an infant and rock her to sleep at night - is this what it's really like to be a parent? You never stop worrying? Ever? How stressful and suddenly I felt more responsible for her future than I had ever before.

I retreated to my room and knelt down by my bed. And in all honesty, this does not happen very often - at all. I have this irrational fear something will get me, bug, cockroach or otherwise - under the bed scares me (that's neither here nor there - just a really random weird fact about myself at age 34.) whew - feels good to get that out there. ;) Anyway, I unleashed my worries in prayer. Should we move, where? What will be best for them? Should we switch schools for her? What about the other kids? Even down to my concern that she might be teased about her shoes (they smell really bad - well used, but still smell when not on her feet). I got up at the prompting in the middle of my prayer to go get my 'old' shoes out of the garage for her - size 8.5.....they couldn't possibly fit her, but I'd at least try. Before the shoe part, I was overwhelmed with the assurance of yes it's time to move - for Lea.Tears freely flowing, I knew this was the right answer. Not that our ward or area is not working for her - she has friends - lots of girls her age actually, so it's hard to say yes let's move her out of this for her. Seems contradictory. But it's right. It's time, still makes me teary and probably will until we are settled in a new place. So whether this is a test of our obedience to follow and maybe end up not moving at all, but will we obey? Or we end up moving down the street or across town, whatever it is, we are going to obey and follow the Lord's will for our family. 

I did my scripture reading (also not something I do very regularly - I'm working on it, just not very good at). I was reading about Abinadi and well, I'm not ready to give my life in sacrifice the way Abinadi did, I am willing to change my comfort zone for her and for us - to move on, to improve and become friends with other people I can add to that list of friends who make my life better.

If you've made it this far in the post - good job!! :) You've stuck in there and are now ready for the ANSWER portion of this blog post. I emailed a friend who works at the school and happens to be our Primary President. I just wanted to know what she observes at the school - this was her response:

First let me say she seems happy at recess and she has a sweet disposition that any kid would want to be her friend. I think Lea is friends with everyone but stays away from the drama queens. We have a few and I never see her with them. Fourth grade actually all the grades I see (4-8) have little cliques. Lea lately has been having recess with a little boy that I think is Asian and he wears glasses. They just walk around the field and talk. But they don't eat together just interested in the same things :)

(insert Jeff asking if he needs to have a 'talk' with this boy......) haha

I volunteered today to help the 1st grade team with copying and then was going to stick around to see Lea at recess. They were in the cafeteria, I walked in to see if I could find her in the mass of children in matching uniforms. One of the girls from GOTR saw me and waved me down pointing to Lea who when I saw her, her face was beet red. :) I met the Asian boy mentioned above - his name is Jeremy. And Luz. Luz has been Lea's friend since kinder and her mom comes to school every day - although I didn't put Luz with this mom I see ALL the time. Her dad would run with her at every practice for GOTR and talked a little with Jeff the other night at the party for GOTR. As I walked away, Luz's mom touched my arm and told me, "Lea is such a sweet friend to Luz. She's always so nice to her.' (answer received. got it. she has a friends, she's a good friend, she's loved and taken care of while out of my care).

Willow - the girl who waved me to Lea, asked if Kim and I were sisters (yes, twins..... ;) ) okay not really, but close enough. :) She then said Lea and I could be twins. Triplets? Lea would totally add some girl to the Baker home. :)

Love you LEA!!