10 things I learned when I stopped yelling at my kids.
(source)
I read this article while I was in Europe with Jeff. It was a great break from the kids and gave me a chance to reflect on just how poorly I had been treating my children and my spouse. I was short tempered, easily provoked, and went to bed almost every night feeling sick to my stomach of how terrible of a mom/wife I had been. I made a conscious decision to stop yelling at my kids. After all it's my choice if I yell, not them 'making me'. So far (I did raise my voice a smidge today), but I haven't yelled and freaked out on my family for at least 4 days and I've slept quite well each night. I have noticed more how much my poor attitude has been affecting my family. They are short tempered with each other and quick to 'snap' instead of calmly speaking to one another if they have issues. Anywho, without further ado - here's this lady's 'epiphany' that helped me find my 'epiphany'.
January 20, 2012. I will never forget that date. Thinking I was home
alone with my four boys, then ages 5 and under, my handyman caught me in
a full on, red in the face, body shaking, throat throbbing scream so
bad that all my boys burst into tears. I was mortified. Mortified! And
so sad; this was not the mom I had ever dreamed I would be! The next day
I decided enough was enough and I promised my boys I would go 365 days
straight without yelling. Soon thereafter I discovered that rhinos are
calm animals that charge when provoked; I was
so a rhino (I
even have lots of stretch marks and saggy body parts to prove it.) I
just charged with my words instead of a horn. I quickly started calling
myself The Orange Rhino as a reminder to no longer yell, but instead to
be calm like a rhino and warm like the color orange.
I proudly share that I am officially an Orange Rhino! I haven't
charged with my words in over 400 days thanks to many things I learned
this past year. Here are the top 10 things that I learned but trust me,
there are many many more!
1. Yelling isn't the only thing I haven't done in over a year.
I also haven't gone to bed with a gut-wrenching pit in my stomach
because I felt like the worst mom ever. I haven't bawled to my husband
that I yelled again and again. And I haven't heard my sons scream,
"You're the meanest, worstest, mommy in the whole world, I don't love
you anymore!"
2. My kids are my most important audience.
When I had my "no more yelling epiphany," I realized that I don't
yell in the presence of others because I want them to believe I am a
loving and patient mom. The truth is, I already was that way... but
rarely when I was alone, just always when I was in public with an
audience to judge me. This is so backwards! I always have an audience --
my four boys are always watching me and THEY are the audience that
matters most; they are the ones I want to show just how loving, patient
and "yell-free" I can be. I want my boys to judge me and proclaim, "My
mommy is the bestest mommy ever!" I remember this whenever I am home and
thinking I can't keep it together; obviously I can... I do it out and
about all the time!
3. Kids are kids -- and not just kids, but people too.
Like me, my kids have good days and bad days. Some days they are
pleasant and sweet and listen really well; other days they are grumpy
and difficult. By the way, I am always sweet and never difficult.
Always. Ha! And like all kids, my boys are loud at times, they refuse to
put their shoes on, and they color on the wall, especially if it is
covered in brand new wallpaper that mommy loves. So, yeah, I need to
watch my expectations and remember that my boys are kids: they are still
learning, still growing, and still figuring out how to handle waking up
on the wrong side of the bed. When they "make mistakes" I need to
remember that not only does yelling not help, but like me, they don't
like to be yelled at!
4. I can't always control my kids' actions, but I can always control my reaction.
I can try my hardest to follow all the parenting tricks of the trade
for well-disciplined children, but since my kids are just kids, they
sometimes won't do what I want. I can decide if I want to scream "Pick
up your Legos!" when they don't listen or if I want to walk away for a
second, regain composure by doing some jumping jacks, and then return
with a new approach. P.S. Walking away and taking a breather can
actually get the Legos picked up faster than yelling.
5. Yelling doesn't work.
There were numerous times when I wanted to quit my Orange Rhino
Challenge, when I thought yelling would just be easier than finding deep
breaths and creative alternatives to yelling. But I knew better. Early
on, I learned that yelling simply doesn't work, that it just makes
things spiral out of control and it makes it hard for my boys to hear
what I want them to learn. How can they clearly hear me "say" "Hurry up,
get your backpacks, your shoes, your jackets, don't touch each other,
go faster, you can do it yourself!" when it's all a garbled, loud mix of
intimidating orders that are making them cry?
6. By yelling you might miss out on life-changing moments.
One night I heard footsteps coming downstairs well after bedtime.
Although infuriated that my "me-time" was interrupted, I remained calm
and returned said child to bed. As I tucked him in he said "Mommy, will
you love me if I go to heaven first, because if you go first, I will
still love you. In fact, I will always love you." Tears still come to my
eyes just writing that. I can guarantee if I had yelled "GET BACK IN
BED!" we never would have had that sweet, very important conversation.
7. Two words you should always remember are "at least."
I am not going to say not yelling is "easy peasy," but getting
creative with alternatives certainly made it easier and more doable. And
after yelling into the toilet, beating my chest like a gorilla, singing
Lalala, Lalala it's Elmo's world, and using orange napkins at mealtime
as a reminder of my promise, it certainly got a heck of a lot easier.
Sure, I feel silly at times doing these things, but they keep me from
losing it. So do my new favorite words: "at least." These two small
words give me great perspective and remind me to chill out. I use them
readily in any annoying but not yell worthy kid situation. "He just
dropped an entire jug of milk on the floor... at least it wasn't glass
and at least he was trying to help!" I also use them readily when I want
to give up:"'Okay, this is hard but
at least there are only three hours until bedtime, not 12."
8. Often times, I am the problem, not my kids.
The break-up line, "It's not you, it's me" rings uncomfortably true
when learning not to yell. I quickly realized that oftentimes I wanted
to yell because I had a fight with my husband, I was overwhelmed by my
to-do list, I was tired or it was that time of the month, not because
the kids were behaving "badly." I also quickly realized that
acknowledging my personal triggers by saying out loud: "Orange Rhino,
you have wicked PMS and need chocolate, you aren't mad at the kids,
don't yell" works really well to keep yells at bay.
9. Taking care of me helps me to not yell.
I was always great at taking care of others; I was not, however,
always good at taking care of myself until now. Once I realized that
personal triggers like feeling overweight, feeling disconnected from
friends, and feeling exhausted set me up to yell, I started taking care
of me. I started going to bed earlier, prioritizing exercise, trying to
call one friend a day and most importantly, I started telling myself
it's OK to not be perfect. Taking care of me not only helps me not yell,
but it also makes me happier, more relaxed, and more loving. Ah, the
benefits of not yelling extend far beyond parenting! There is no doubt
that I am in a better parenting AND personal place now that I don't
yell. Just to name a few unexpected benefits of not yelling: I do more
random acts of kindness, I handle stressful situations more gracefully,
and I communicate more lovingly with my husband.
10. Not yelling feels phenomenal for everyone.
Now that I have stopped yelling, not only do I feel happier and
calmer, I also feel lighter. I go to bed guilt-free (except for the
extra cookie I ate that day, oops) and wake up more confident that I can
parent with greater understanding of my kids, my needs, and how to be
more loving and patient. And I am pretty sure my kids feel happier and
calmer too. I know everyone wants to read, "I stopped yelling and not
only do I feel great, but also my kids are now calmer AND perfectly
behaved." Well, they aren't. They are still kids. But, yes tantrums are
shorter and some are completely avoided. Now that I am calmer, I can
think more rationally to resolve potential problems before meltdown
mania. But forget perfectly behaved kids for a second. My kids are most
definitely more loving towards me, and now tell me quite often "I love
you Orange Rhino mommy!" and that feels more than awesome, it feels
phenomenal.
